When a woman says her husband is unwilling to hold a Marriage Meeting, she should first think about what might be getting in his way of participating. Then she can choose to respond sensitively and constructively.
Why Some Husbands Resist Marriage Meetings
In general, men and women have differences about conversing intimately. Reasons a husband may give for not wanting to hold a marriage meeting include that he is too tired, too busy, thinks a formal meeting is too contrived and that he prefers a more spontaneous approach. He (or she, in some cases) may think, "We're doing fine without meetings," or, "We've been married thirty years; we've got it down pat."
Power of a Habit
Habits are powerful. Think of the difficulties people have quitting drinking, smoking, overeating, and other less than ideal behaviors that have become long-established habits. "Don't fix it if it ain't broke" is a common justification for staying with the status quo.
Good marriages can always grow into even better ones by being willing to alter an established pattern by adding a new routine.
Wives Need to Look at Their Own and Husband's Possible Fears
A wife may project onto her husband her own resistance to conducting a Marriage Meeting. She may find it easier to blame him than to recognize her own true feelings.
A wife who says that her husband is the one who won't go along with the meetings should ask herself whether she may have some fears of her own about doing so She may worry that a meeting will become a venue for her husband to bring up resentments and complaints about her. She may also fear that their husband will ask her to do something uncomfortable for her. Of course, a husband may have the similar fears of being criticized or manipulated at a Marriage Meeting.
Plan Ahead for Marriage Meetings That Satisfy Both Partners
Good Marriage Meetings bring more love, romance, teamwork, and respect into a marital relationship. Both spouses are encouraged create a meeting that is a mutually rewarding experience. With a little planning, the first one will be successful and both partners will look forward to future meetings.
Encourage Appreciation, Self-Assertion, Planning for Good Times
Become familiar with the agenda of a Marriage Meeting, which starts with Appreciation. Before meeting list positive qualities and behaviors a partner showed and be prepared to communicate with "I" statements. Telling a husband to be prepared to hear compliments may lower his resistance. Say also, "I'm looking forward to hearing about what kinds of dates you'd like us to go out on, just the two of us," or "to hear your idea for a dream vacation." Remind each other that sticky problems get discussed only after a pattern of successful meetings is established.
Neurobiology Affects Conversations Between Spouses
Women's brains, in general, are wired for more verbal communication and for tending to relationships than men's. So men are likely to talk less and to freeze up when a wife says, "I want to talk about our relationship." This is why the wife should graciously accept the responsibility of initiating the meetings even if she thinks it's not fair that it is usually up to her to make them happen.
Marriage Meetings Level the Playing Field for Men
The structure of the Marriage Meeting is advantageous to men. It assures that each partner gets to speak on each topic. The maximum time limit of 45 minutes for the meetings prevents a husband from being overwhelmed by so much talk.
The positive communication skills that are prescribed foster successful relating during Marriage Meetings and at other times as well. Follow-up studies show that once they give it a try, many husbands are even more enthusiastic than their wives about Marriage Meetings.
Husbands Like Marriage Meetings
One husband called the approach, "direct, positive and sorely needed." Another said that when his wife said she wanted to have Marriage Meetings, he panicked. But he tried it, was thrilled with the results, and he planned to continue to hold the meetings.
Seeing is Believing; Accentuate the Positive
Once a husband experiences the benefits of a first Marriage Meeting, he is likely to agree to schedule a second meeting, and so on.
Review the articles that explain how to conduct an initial Marriage Meeting. Use the recommended communication skills, using "I" statements, doing active listening, and giving positive nonverbal messages. When a wife tells her husband gently about the great results others have gotten from from Marriage Meetings, his resistance is likely to soften.
Remember to express plenty of appreciation to a husband when he does participate in a Marriage Meeting. Make it an enjoyable experience for both spouses. Then schedule the next meeting. Enjoy a relationship that grows better and better over time.
Marcia Naomi Berger - Hello, and welcome. Writer and psychotherapist Marcia Naomi Berger is a psychotherapist and marriage educator in private practice in ...
