Sometime after the honeymoon, if not before, spouses realize that their fantasy of happily-ever-after is not unfolding quite the way they expected. How such a recognition is handled can either make or break a marriage. The fourth agenda topic of a Marriage Meeting is called Problems and Challenges, because they arise in any relationship.
A good marriage requires that issues be dealt with constructively. Prevent them from festering into crises and by addressing them positively and on a regular basis.
Recognize a Spouse's Uniqueness
It is important to recognize that each person is a unique individual with a separate personality. This means that a husband and wife will have some differences in how they view the world and in how they behave. In fact, the differences are often what attracted them to each other in the first place.
However, every trait that each liked about the other initially will have a flip side that can be viewed as a fault.
For example, a wife might have liked her husband's easy-going, supportive nature when they were dating. After marriage, she feels disappointed because he takes only jobs that aren't stressful, and therefore earns less income than he potentially could. She can easily come to resent him for not being able to provide some material things she expected to have.
Obviously, some traits in people are not likely to change. Ideally, spouses will learn to focus on each other's positive characteristics and accept the less desirable ones as part of the package.
Family Therapy Expert Virginia Satir Shows How People Communicate Disagreement
Conflict is a normal part of married life. Pioneer family therapist, Virginia Satir, identified the five ways that people communicate when disagreement exists.
- Congruent: In this type of communication, the person levels with the other in a straightforward, honest, respectful manner. The person's words are consistent with his or her feelings, thoughts and nonverbal signals. "I" statements are an example of congruent communication.
- Blaming: A blamer lashes out at the other person, using "You" statements like, "You always to that," or "You never remember to take out the garbage." This person attacks the other for being different and insists that the other person is wrong, harshly criticizing the other person, with name-calling and in the most extreme cases, physically.
- Placating: This person goes along in the hope of getting along with the other. He or she may say everything is fine but really feels just the opposite.
- Reasonable: This person denies the feelings of someone by saying that it is wrong to feel that way or that it just doesn't make sense. An example is when someone is upset over the death of a parent and is told, "She led a long life. Be glad for that." The reasonable person may have the best of intentions but it can feel awful for people overcome with grief to hear their feelings discounted so readily.
- Irrelevant: This person does not respond directly to the other when there is a disagreement; instead will make a joke or change the subject. In extreme cases, the person will flip out into a state of insane behaviors.
Build Trust and Intimacy in Marriage With Congruent Communication
How do each of the above ways of communicating disagreement affects a relationship? Couples who usually relate in a congruent, self-assertive manner are likely to have a marriage that thrives. Because they handle conflicts respectfully, they will feel good about each other and about their relationship.
Conflict is normal in any marriage. Spouses build trust and intimacy by communicating their different points of view honestly, responsibly, and respectfully. Congruent communication is a key ingredient for a a lasting, fulfilling marriage.
Marcia Naomi Berger - Hello, and welcome. Writer and psychotherapist Marcia Naomi Berger is a psychotherapist and marriage educator in private practice in ...
