Relationships are happier when partners focus on each other's positive traits and behaviors. Appreciation is the first agenda item of a Marriage Meeting. Many people seem to think they will change a spouse by complaining about his or her shortcomings. This is a big mistake. Here are some reasons to express appreciation to a mate every day:
Expressing Gratitude Builds Intimacy
The more a spouse focuses on a partner's positive attributes and behaviors, the more emotionally bonded she will feel toward him. As love and emotional intimacy grows, it will become easier to express appreciation, and so on.
Compliments Harness the Power of Positive Reinforcement
Expressing appreciation encourages a partner to do the pleasing behavior more often. For example, a wife wants to hear "Hello" and receive a hug and kiss from her husband when he arrives home from work. Usually he heads straight for the den, but about once a week, he greets her warmly. She would be smart to avoid criticizing him for the undesired behavior. If instead she tells him how much she likes the warm greeting when it happens, he will feel valued. He wants more of that feeling of being cared for, so as long as she lets him know how much she appreciates the sweet reunions, she can expect to receive them more often.
Expressing Appreciation Breeds Happiness and Optimism
Spouses will find that paying attention to and complimenting the fine traits and behaviors of their partner produces a ripple effect. They become more aware of positive aspects of other people and of what is going well in their own lives.
How to Give and Accept a Compliment
Use "I-statements." Example: "I appreciate that you cleaned the kitchen counter so thoroughly tonight."
- Use effective body language. Smile and make eye contact with the spouse when complimenting.
- Express appreciation for positive character traits. Example: "I appreciated your kindness in visiting my sick aunt with me."
- Be specific. Example: "I appreciate how lovely you looked in your new blue suit you wore to the party Saturday night."
- Do listen silently while receiving a compliment and graciously thank the partner for it.
How Not to Compliment
Avoid making disguised "You-statements," which sound like judgments or accusations. They create emotional distance. Example: "I appreciate that you finally remembered to take out the garbage."
Self-Esteem and Cultural Considerations
Not everyone is comfortable giving and receiving compliments. A few reasons for this:
- People who lack self-esteem find it difficult to receive compliments.
- Some cultures consider accepting a compliment akin to boasting.
- Those who have trouble giving compliments may have been raised by overly critical parents and imitate their ways.
- People who were raised in an environment where self-disclosure was risky may find it hard to make "I-statements," which require a willingness to be vulnerable.
With self-awareness and support, these challenges can be overcome. Spouses should focus on each other's uniqueness by complimenting for specific character traits and behaviors. Give and accept appreciation graciously. Doing so with a warm voice, a smile and soft eye contact keeps love growing and the marriage thriving.
Marcia Naomi Berger - Hello, and welcome. Writer and psychotherapist Marcia Naomi Berger is a psychotherapist and marriage educator in private practice in ...
